Stephen Colbert is our answer

From the Daily Collegian (Amherst, Mass.):

Normally when I get an e-mail from the University administration that’s not informing me that I have a check waiting for me at the Bursar’s Office, I have to gulp down an extra cup of coffee just to remain comatose.

Last week, however, I got an e-mail that opened up epic possibilities for my imagination – yes, I’m talking about the e-mail calling for honorary degree nominations. Now, an honorary degree is nowhere near as bizarre or interesting as the dinosaur tracks in South Hadley or coming across directions for smoking bananas (more on that after Spring Break), but that’s part of the appeal. Sometimes the greatest things have mundane roots.

You ask yourself: “What if?”

What if the University of Massachusetts awarded an honorary degree to—drum roll, please – Stephen Colbert….

“An honorary degree is always a doctorate,” Fox said. “One of the things to keep in mind is that this is the highest degree awarded by the University.”

This is something of a snag, I think. Colbert already has an honorary doctorate—he was made a Doctor of Fine Arts by Knox College in 2006. The diploma can even be seen on The Colbert Report sometimes, although Wilford Brimley may have eaten it last summer because it was disguised as a breakfast pastry. So another D.F.A. will not be enough. The University could always award him a Doctorate of Humane Letters, but I think this has to be an absolutely rock-solid deal. The University will have to invent a new degree: Doctor Maximus.